Dream on

So another reason that i wanted to run through my educational history the other day is because i realised recently that it is pretty much the only thing in my life right now. I came to this realization laying in bed the other night waiting to drop off to sleep. I do most of my thinking then/there, so as an insomniac i get a lot of thinking done. Anyways, i was thinking about going home for christmas (very excited about that) and what i'm ging to talk to everyone about. The first couple sentences in a conversation are pretty much always the same. Hi, how are you, nice to see you, what are you doing these days...so i got to thinking what exactly AM i doing these days? Everyone else seems to be so much more productive than i am. So n so is working just bought a truck, so n so just got back from a trip to Europe, so n so is pregnant, etc.

I read a book.

So it was a two part thought project: figure out what the hell i am doing and make it sound interesting/productive. I eventually dropped off to sleep and not surprisingly dreamed about this subject.

The whole dream takes place in DTSS, kinda, a high school that greatly resembles DTSS. In the beginning i'm trapped in one of those little English offices (Mrs Ford/Mrs Little's to be precise) and i couldn't get out. I knew there were other things out there, i had read about them, every once and a while i would see someone new walk by, but i was trapped in the office. Evenually i broke out into the classroom. It was nice in there, i had things to do, i enjoyed it, more space, more people. But eventually the novelty wore off and i realised i was still trapped, this time in the classroom. I could retreat back into my office, but after the luxury and challenges of the classroom i didn't want to go back in there. So i broke out of the classroom and started exploring the halls. This is where the dream gets a little weird and the school stops resembling DTSS exactly, theres all kinds of weird twisting hallways and staircases but still kinda recognizable, anyways everywhere i go there are these neat new things being taught and talked about...but everytime i get to an exit, it's locked. I peak through the window and there is nothing there...an abyss. I'm really truely trapped this time.

"the limits of my language are the limits of my world" (LW)

Sure there is lots to do in the school...but i'm still trapped. I've found the edge of the map and nothing has really changed from when i was trapped in my office. Sure i know some new people, learned some big new words...but thats about it. It all starts to feel really futile, so what if you go back and learn all there is to learn in all those classrooms in between, they still have limits. There will always be things we can not do. So i shuffle back to my office and close the door. I pick up a copy of Brave New World and think about when it gave me hope.

So that was my dream, kinda depressing i know, but that mostly sums up what i feel i'm doing out here. I'm filling in the map, pointing the abyss out to people...not really doing anything. But i don't find that destressing. There is noting else TO DO, and even if there was i don't think i'd want to do it anymore.

Once you realize you're in a cage you want to get out, and if you try hard enough you'll probably succed, but you'll only find yourself in a bigger cage. So you break out of that one and you end up in another cage. But as the cages get bigger and bigger, they also get harder and harder to recognize. And then one day you realize that there is no end to the cages and you have three choices: you can keep trying to get out(and fial), you can give up(suicide or seclusion...i don't recomend either), or you can accept it.

Really at ths point it is quite a big cage with all kinds of intresting things in it. And if there is nothing else out there why not make the best of it?

So i haven't REALLY learned anything new at university or done anything productive. I've moved from the office, to the classroom, to the halls, looked at the abyss, realized nothing has changed. But i wouldn't change it for the world, i like my big fancy new words, and things are so much more interesting now...